We should pretend.... 

I've heard that phrase in the same lilting voice from Luke a dozen times already this morning. 

And from Halina, there's the refrain: Now you say....

We should pretend I'm not sick anymore. We should pretend we're both doctors. We should pretend it's not morning yet.

We should pretend I'm actually Mr. Ump-lump.

All that while I was writing the above. And, seriously, five more while I was writing those down.

It's ten a.m. and they are still in jammie's. They were already delivery workers who unpacked the entire toy closet. Then they put everything back (when pressed) as baby delivery workers.

It's their last day of summer before Halina returns to school. It's our last hang out day. Soon Luke will start preschool and I'll be returning to work. Maybe we'll go somewhere today. It's mild with that little bit of October in the air. Halina and I shopped for school food yesterday and planned out her snacks and lunches. We even figured out how she can make some of her own breakfasts, which she's excited about. I aspire to these rare moments of having it sorted out, having an in-advance plan that might actually work and is on-point. And extra special if these are collaborations.

...

Now it is night and the kids are asleep. Chris is out late for work, so it's still us three. We went to the library to redeem our summer reading booklets for prizes. Weeks late, but the librarian still had some extras. We cleared the trampoline of garden spiders and blasted KP's Hot N Cold. We sat on the love seat on the back deck and read a new book about airplanes (two warm bodies flanking me). They made a fort behind the living room couch. We messed up the house and cleaned the house. We laid out tomorrow's self-serve breakfast and tomorrow's clothes and read books for a good long while.

Last year, Halina's school started more than a week later than now. I treasured those extra days of summer when the public schools were already in session and we had the lake and other special spots practically to ourselves. I remember admonishing myself to stay present, to drink it all in, to absorb it with all my senses.

I guesss the pause before the first day of a new school year is a taking stock moment. 

This year, I'm thinking: kindness,  gentleness. For them, I always want to do better. There's no time left to hold back. Maybe a year from now I'll have more to say about this. In the meantime, off to 1st grade.

The start of a new school year begins on Wednesday. Seems like everywhere I'm hearing about the anxiety people are having with sending off their new kindergarteners to school. I can relate because last year I was one of those anxious people. This year, I have a weird sense of calm. Weird because I usually take every opportunity to torture myself with time-is-having-its-brutal-way-with-us feelings and the related hand wrenching. Granted, Halina's mixed age school makes it easier -- she's eager to go back to her old classroom and teachers. So that helps. But I also wonder if I'm in some kind of denial.

And it appears that, to some extent, I am. I stumbled upon Halina's kindergarten school picture today. I hadn't ordered when it became available last fall -- but meant to. And today I found the link to it online.

I realize that I fool myself into thinking that my girl is not changing much. Because she is still sweet and familiar. And our daily habits haven't changed hardly at all. But there it is, about 10 months later. No denying.

I think I tend to "see" her as a bit older than she is. When I look at old photos, it's obvious I'm looking at a very young child. I need to keep it in mind now, too. Just more evidence that we can stop seeing people really. We see our habitual idea of them. That's one reason I appreciate blogging and using photos in my posts. It's a way to see from different angles. To see again.

I do feel sad. I also feel proud of Halina for the how she's growing and who she's becoming, and I am enjoying her so much as she gets older (and more grounded and sure and a partner for real belly laughs), and that helps temper the sadness a little.

I'm doing a little jogging again. So far, so good in terms of knees (knock wood). This time around, I've wanted to go where there are other people, so I've tried Lake Merritt in the evenings a couple times. They've put a lot of money into improving the paths, landscaping, and water quality of the lake in recent years, and it shows. Returning there after a long time away, it's nice to find the lake looking beautiful and so many people out exercising, chatting, rowing, and relaxing -- and playing the odd guitar or bongos. The sky has been pretty amazing there, too. It's been a good place for feeling alone and part of things all at once. And it's a nice reminder about what's good about Oakland.